The Novice Parody
by Laura Scofield
Summary: My parody of Dannyl and Tayend's adventures in The Novice! FINAL CHAPTER POSTED.
1. Blurb

**The Novice Parody**

**By Lady Laura  
**

_I love BMT as much as any other fan. But whenever I read it, I can't help but think how parody-worthy the books are. So I couldn't resist spoofing some of the __**Dannyl/Tayend**__ scenes in The Novice._

_I mean no offence to Sonea/Akkarin fans in this first update. You will be happy to know I spend most of this story making fun of Dannyl and Tayend, and not Sonea and Akkarin :D_

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**Blurb:**

Lord Dannyl is the newly appointed Ambassador to Elyne, and a magician of the overly conservative and homophobic Guild. Dannyl (who claims he is _not_ a lad), is eager to have a decent storyline and to do as little ambassadorial work as possible.

So when he meets stunning scholar Tayend of Tremmelin, (whom he most definitely does _not_ have feelings for) Dannyl invites him along for a ride (on a ship) and they plan to share many wonderfully exciting (and completely non-sexual) adventures.

Together Dannyl and Tayend will face many dangers; including dubious courtiers, dodgy secret organisations, eating disorders, sexual harassment from various women, and of course, acrobats.

Can their friendship survive these adversaries? Is Dannyl hiding a deep dark secret? Why does Tayend not sleep with women, and more importantly, how is he so flexible? All these questions and more will be answered in: **The Novice Parody. **

**WARNING:** This parody contains mild swearing, references to sex and a disturbing amount of alcohol.

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**Praise for The Novice Parody:**

"_Far better than Lady Trudi's original book; which cruelly skipped over any sort of romantic details between lads, and left the slash fangirls fuming." – _Dannyl/Tayend Fangirl

"_Almost as good as Lord Ronan's _The Ambassador's Mission Impossible_... Almost." – _Parody Expert

"_**The Novice Parody **__omits all the boring parts of Trudi's book - such as Sonea's tedious studies, Akkarin's brooding uselessness, and Rothen's constant fretting. In contrast, Lady Laura's book__ only deals with the best bits of the story – Dannyl and Tayend's daring adventures and hilarious misunderstandings."_ – Critical Fantasy Reviewer

"_This book is sure to upset all the Sonea/Akkarin fangirls out there, as well as the Dannyl/Tayend haters. Well done Laura!" – _Leader of the Sonea/Akkarin Hate Club

"_This book was good, but it would have been better with more Akkarin." – _Proud Akkarin Fangirl

"_DO _NOT_ READ THIS AWFUL EXCUSE FOR A PARODY!" – _Lady Trudi

(**Chapter 1** will be up soon :D )


	2. A Beautiful City

**Chapter 1:**

**A Beautiful City (And Even More Beautiful People)  
**

Leaning on the deck railing, Lord Dannyl breathed in the salty air and choked.

Jano the sailor sidled up to the magician, and said accusingly, "You told Jano magicians no get sick at sea!"

Dannyl was glad that he had long ago learned how to use magic to prevent himself from blushing. "Well… I lied. To be honest, we _can_ use magic to heal away our sea sickness. It just takes a lot of effort."

Dannyl was relieved that Jano's anger at the deception seemed to vanish. The Vindo replied in a low voice, "If you ever need… _distraction _from your sea sickness, then Jano find ways to take your mind off it." The sailor gave a cheeky wink, and ran away to do some actual work for once.

Dannyl was taken aback. _Wow, these Vindo are so friendly! If I ever travel on this ship again, I'll definitely take Jano up on his offer. I wonder how he plans to take my mind off things… Perhaps he has a Scrabble board hidden in his cabin!_

Nodding to himself, Dannyl looked out over the railings at the approaching coast. The city of Capia was indeed a splendid sight. The building walls were smooth and shiny, the beaches were spotless and free of loitering teens, and Dannyl could even see from a distance that the little gardens in front of the houses were all perfect and in order. _It's almost too good to be true_, he mused to himself. Then he thought gleefully, _despite this flawless façade, I know the Elynes are terrible gossipers. I can't wait to dig out the dirt on some of them! _

But as he took in the perfection of the city, the magician couldn't help but wonder if the people of Capia were every bit as pretty as their city was. Dannyl pushed that wicked thought from his mind almost immediately. He sternly reminded himself of Lord Dannyl's Ten Commandments; and in particular number one: _Thou shalt not look upon another person with desire. _

As Dannyl prepared to disembark from the ship with his ten cases of luggage, (maybe he shouldn't have packed so many DVDs of CSI: Elyne, but he was using them as a reference point for learning about Elyne culture) Jano came to bid him a final farewell.

"If you ever visit Vin, you welcome to stay at Jano's house!" The sailor said in a voice that was almost suggestive. But Dannyl knew he must have been mistaken, and the Vindo was just being friendly.

"Thank you Jano! I might just take you up on that. And thanks for teaching me all those dirty Vindo words during the journey here. I'm sure I'll get plenty of opportunity to use them in the Elyne court!"

Jano beamed with pure joy, and gave Dannyl a fond pat on the backside before saying farewell and wandering off. _I wonder if the Elyne's customs are as odd as the Vindo ones, _Dannyl mused absently to himself.

As the magician disembarked from the ship, he saw a fancy carriage pull up on the docks, and a courtier hopped nimbly out. A dazzling beam of light seemed to surround the young man. He shook out his glorious mane of hair, and the golden waves cascaded down his shoulders. The Elyne's bright clothing hugged his body so tightly; Dannyl wondered how the poor man could breathe at all.

The magician suddenly realised he had been staring at the man with his mouth hanging open for the last minute, while the young man nervously walked forward and gave a low, elaborate bow. _Are all Elynes so flexible? _Dannyl pondered, as the man introduced himself as Tayend of Tremmelin.

When they both entered the carriage and sat down, Dannyl noticed how quickly Tayend was breathing. _No doubt those tight clothes are taking their toll, _Dannyl thought sadly. He observed the Elyne closely. _He _is_ incredibly handsome…_

Suddenly an alarm bell went off in Dannyl's mind, and he hastily added, _If I were a _woman_, and not a _man_, I would no doubt be attracted to him. But I'm not, so I'm very glad I never had any unnatural thoughts about other men… Except of course when I go to the public baths, but that's the only time it's acceptable._

Satisfied that he was a normal straight bloke, Dannyl questioned Tayend about what exactly his job was.

Looking embarrassed, Tayend answered, "Well, I don't really have a proper job as such…"

Dannyl was horrified. "Are you telling me you're _unemployed_?" He spat out the last word in disgust.

Tayend hurriedly continued, "I help out in the Great Library! I'm a scholar there," He added for good measure, "And I speak five dead languages!"

Dannyl was relieved. "Good for you! I'm glad you're not one of those lazy, good for nothing people who lies around all day, drinking wine and watching day time TV!"

The scholar flushed, and decided not to let Lord Dannyl know about all the sick days he took off work.

The carriage came to a halt outside the Guildhouse, where Dannyl would be staying. The magician stepped out, and turned around to Tayend. "Would you like me to come around to the Library sometime?"

Tayend was flabbergasted. "What? Like a _date_?"

The magician recalled what the word 'date' meant – a prearranged meeting between two or more people. He grinned and nodded at the scholar, and added, "I'll arrive when you least expect it!" He winked, as he remembered how nice it was when Jano had winked at him. He hoped that this gesture of friendliness would help reassure Tayend that magicians were not so scary.

As Dannyl strode up the steps to the Guildhouse, he heard Tayend mutter to himself in a dazed voice. He managed to catch the words, "Sooooo _hot_", and once again felt a pang of sympathy for the young courtier.

_He _really _needs to invest in some comfortable clothing. _

_(Please let me know what you think!)  
_


	3. A Dubious Day at Court

**Chapter 2:**

**A Dubious Day at Court  
**

It had been a long day at court, and Dannyl was eager to return to the Guildhouse. The Ambassador had found himself quite overwhelmed by all the courtiers who seemed determined to chat to him – he had never been so popular back at the Guild! He was certain he had spoken to more people today than he usually did in an entire year. But Dannyl was glad that no one in Elyne could possibly know about the rumours surrounding him.

As the magician strode towards the exit door, his mind wandered back to the jester he had seen earlier. Dannyl was quite sure it forbidden for men to wear tights in some countries. Now he could understand why – it was rather hard to concentrate when there was a man prancing around the place in a dress and tights. Then again, practically _all_ male courtiers wore tightly fitted clothes. Dannyl wasn't overly concerned about the fact he had spent most of today staring at other men's legs. Because to be honest, if the women had been dressed in tight trousers too, no doubt he would be looking at _them_ instead… Wouldn't he?

_Stop thinking about legs!_ Dannyl told his mind crossly.

Just then, an old (alright middle aged) man approached the magician. He was dressed in an oversized brown coat and sunglasses. There was something distinctly dubious about the man, and Dannyl hoped he wasn't trying to sell him drugs. Or sex. Yes, the latter would most definitely be worse. Rothen had taught Dannyl that it was very wrong to pay someone to sleep with you. It was even worse if that person was a _man_.

The courtier looked shiftily around as he came up to Dannyl, and whispered in a low voice, "My name is Dem Agerralin. I… ah… am the leader of a special… club, for men with particular… _interests_. We have heard… rumours that you also share in our… _interests_."

Dannyl wondered why this odd man kept pausing after every few words. He also wondered what the hell he was on about.

Dannyl replied as calmly as possible, "What sort of interests do you mean?"

Agerralin moved alarmingly closer to Dannyl, and whispered an explanation in his ear. When Dannyl heard what exactly these "interests" were, he dropped his wineglass (he had been trying to sneak it out of the court) in surprise.

Dannyl pulled himself up to his full height and exclaimed, "Good sir! I most certainly do _not_ have such… perverse interests! I am an honourable magician and ambassador of the Guild. If you want to find someone who probably has unnatural interests, then go pester Lord Fergun. It's _him_ everyone needs to watch out for, not me!"

Dem Agerralin's eyes widened with surprise behind his designer sunglasses, and he scuttled off to spread the word that Lord Fergun was gay. As he left, Dannyl noticed Tayend of Tremmelin hiding behind a nearby pillar. The scholar jumped in shock when Dannyl spotted him, and he hastily walked over to the magician.

"I was just… tying my shoe laces behind that pillar, and I couldn't help but hear you and Dem Agerralin talking," Tayend admitted, his cheeks burning.

Dannyl absently noticed how Tayend's blushing face brought out the red in his hair. He also noticed once again how unbelievably sexy the Elyne looked; wearing tight, dark blue velvet clothes, and his long shiny hair tied back with a ribbon. Dannyl made a mental note to ask him what shampoo he used… And also how many girlfriends did he have.

"That's alright Tayend. Agerralin just startled me, that's all."

The scholar gave a small, knowing smile. "Don't worry, he asks practically everyone to join his little club. He didn't mean any offence. I'm sure everybody thinks you are a very manly man. After all, how else would you be brave enough to wear purple robes?"

Dannyl beamed smugly; glad that he gave off a distinctly masculine vibe. Unlike that stupid Fergun, who spent hours gelling his hair every morning, and used to constantly try to show Dannyl his "sword" when they were novices. And just because Dannyl refused his advances, the slimy git had started spreading those nasty rumours. But now that Fergun was imprisoned in the Fort, he no doubt was trying to seduce any man he could find. Or animal. Dannyl wouldn't be surprised if Fergun could stoop that low.

The Ambassador asked curiously, "Did Agerralin ever ask _you_ to join his club?"

Tayend cleared his throat, crossed his arms and pointedly ignored Dannyl's question. "So… will you be coming to the Library any time soon? It's been like a month and you haven't called me."

Dannyl, who had been in the process of imagining Fergun doing unspeakable things to a reber, replied,"Oh yes! I'll be around in a few days. Not tomorrow, because I'll be washing my hair. And the night after that there's a double episode of CSI: Elyne on. But I should be free after that!"

Tayend, who had been avidly trying to imagine Dannyl without his robes, grinned in reply. "That's great! Just don't stand me up again, or I'll ask my sister to kill you."

As they bid a final farewell to each other, Dannyl couldn't help but think about Tayend's last words. If the scholar truly _did_ have a sister, and she looked exactly like Tayend, then Dannyl decided he might very well marry her.

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_The comments so far have been really encouraging, thanks guys!_

_I found it really helpful that readers quoted/mentioned some parts of the chapter they liked or found funny, so if you can, please keep it up! __Knowing what sort of things readers like is helping me to write and improve the later chapters. And don't be afraid to criticise if you need to! :D _


	4. The Great Library

**Chapter 3:**

**The (Great) Library**

_A certain reviewer thought that Velend was Mayrie's husband, so I worried that other readers might get mixed up too! I don't want readers of this parody to think that Mayrie's husband is perving on Tayend… LOL _

_Anyway, __**Velend**__ (who is referred to in this chapter) is the guy in the Novice who goes to the party with Tayend, and it is implied he fancies him. Also, Velend reminded Dannyl of Fergun. That's all I have to say for now :D _

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The carriage made its way out of the city, and Dannyl took in all the sights of the Elyne countryside. The scenery really was magnificent. The only thing that spoilt the beauty was the new motorway that had just been built, which connected Capia to Sachaka. Dannyl shook his head in disgust. _Why on earth would anyone want to travel to Sachaka? _

He passed through the poorest areas of Capia, and Dannyl had to admit that they looked a hell of a lot better than the Slums in Imardin did. The people here at least had proper clothing (even if they _were_ two years out of fashion.) They looked quite thin, but then again so did plenty of people Dannyl knew. Anorexia was _very_ popular within the wealthy classes back in Kyralia.

The children in the poor areas weren't exactly timid when they saw the fancy carriage. They ran up beside it, and begged Dannyl to show them some fireworks. Apparently some guy called Gandalf _always _did fireworks when he passed by. Dannyl finally gave in, because he didn't want to be outclassed by some stupid wizard. The Ambassador treated the kids to a spectacle of a nearby tree bursting into flames, and exploding. They cheered, and Dannyl felt happy he had done his good deed for the day.

Finally the carriage reached the Great Library. For the first time, it dawned on Dannyl that the building was actually called, "The _Great_ Library", and the word "great" hadn't just been Tayend trying to boast about the place. (Despite the fact that in reality, the library looked rather small).

Dannyl spotted a large, golden sign outside the door of the building:

**Welcome to the Great Library**

Please note that weapons and drugs are **not** permitted inside the building.

**All** children must be accompanied by a responsible adult.

**No** Sachakans welcome.

Trespassers will be **executed**.

Thieves will be **burned at the stake**.

It you are here to have sex with one of the scholars, please remember to use **protection**.

If your name is **Velend**, then Tayend doesn't want to sleep with you.

Dannyl wasn't quite sure if the sign was a joke or not. So he cautiously made his way up to the door and knocked. Immediately, it opened and Tayend of Tremmelin's angry face appeared.

"Look Velend, I already told you, there's _no _way I'm giving you a lap dance-" Tayend suddenly realised Dannyl was standing in front of him. After all, the purple robes were a bit of a giveaway.

"Dannyl! How wonderful to see you! You're a week and twelve hours later than you said you'd be, but no matter. Come inside!"

Tayend grabbed the Ambassador by the arm and pulled him in the door. The first thing Dannyl exclaimed when he entered the library was, "Wow! It's bigger on the inside!" He gazed around in wonder at the gigantic hallway. The outside of the building had been very deceptive.

Tayend beamed at Dannyl's shock. "It sure is! And you're not the first person to tell me that." He giggled, and the magician chuckled too, despite having no idea what he was laughing at.

The scholar abruptly recalled his manners, and gave a low bow. Dannyl mused that the Elyne must be excellent at playing limbo. He also noticed that Tayend had been strangely attractive when he was furious a few moments ago. The magician made a mental note to wind the scholar up as much as possible in the future.

Dannyl was introduced to Librarian Irand, and learned that the sign outside was something of an inside joke that Tayend had come up with. Irand also remarked that Tayend took many days off work, usually to attend wild parties with his friends. But Irand didn't elaborate on this after Tayend kicked him.

After that, the scholar led Dannyl into a private room at the back of the library. The Ambassador gazed around the large room curiously. His eyes lingered on the various pictures of acrobats hanging on the wall, the abundance of brightly coloured cushions scattered around the room, and the four poster bed in the corner.

Tayend cheerily explained that he himself lived in the Library, because his father refused to give him money to buy a place of his own. Irand was happy to let Tayend live here, so long as he only invited respectable friends over to stay. Velend, for example, had been strictly banned from visiting the Library. He had a nasty habit of stealing Tayend's underclothes whenever he came round for a sleepover. The scholar had even caught Velend spying on him through his bedroom window more than once.

Dannyl felt immensely sorry for Tayend, having to spend hours upon hours in this dusty old building. The Elyne should be out partying, getting drunk and impregnating young ladies, like any normal young man ought to be. In Tayend's own words, he had described the Great Library as being "full of the most mind-blowingly boring books in the Allied Lands."

Dannyl tried desperately to steer the conversation away from the tedious research that they should be doing. "So Tayend… How many women have you slept with?"

Tayend looked absolutely horrified at being asked such a question. Dannyl was surprised at his reaction; surely this was a normal question for one straight man to ask another?

Tayend eventually declared, "None!"

Dannyl raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Tayend was positively indignant by now. "No! I mean yes - I mean – look, I don't sleep with women, ok?"

Dannyl suddenly understood. It all made _perfect_ sense now – the fact that a handsome man like Tayend wasn't surrounded by a crowd of fawning girls. The answer was so simple.

Tayend of Tremmelin was a member of a chastity club.

The magician smiled kindly at the younger man. "I understand, and it's nothing to be ashamed of! But aren't guys like you supposed to wear a special silver ring or something, to show what you are?"

The scholar stared blankly at Dannyl. "Er… maybe in Kyralia they do. But not here in Elyne!"

Dannyl nodded. "Well anyway, I think the lifestyle choice that you've made is very admirable. And don't worry, because no doubt your family will marry you off soon, and then you'll get all the sex you've ever wanted!"

Not for the first time, Tayend had no idea what the magician was on about. He took this as an indication that it was time to open a bottle of wine… or five. Perhaps magicians made more sense when they were drunk. They certainly couldn't make any _less_.

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_Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback so far :D_

_I made some last minute additions to this chapter, based on what I thought readers liked. I hope it added to the humour, rather than drag it out in the middle… Anyway, please let me know what you think!_

_By the way, the "bigger on the inside" joke is a reference to Doctor Who, and probably sounds a lot dirtier than it is :P_


	5. Sea Sickness is NOT Sexy

**Chapter 4:**

**Sea Sickness is NOT Sexy**

Dannyl and Tayend stood side by side, gazing out across the magnificent sea at Capia in the distance. The ocean breeze teased their hair, and made Dannyl's purple robes flutter around him. Behind them, the sun was setting slowing, and the sky was a beautiful shade of orange. The sea sparkled faintly, as if sapphires had been scattered over the surface.

_If this was some cheesy romance novel, _Dannyl mused to himself, _then Tayend and I would probably start kissing right about now_. He hastily added, _And if I were a _woman_, of course… No wait, _Tayend_ would be the woman! He already has great hair and likes dressing up. Plus he's shorter than me._

Tayend suddenly spoke, as he was acutely aware of the magician's gaze on him. "What are you thinking about?"

Dannyl's bizarre thoughts were shattered. "Oh! Just that I'm glad I have you to keep me company for the journey."

Tayend blushed; something he did a lot of around Dannyl. The Ambassador had by now figured out the Elyne had a phobia of tall people.

The scholar was focussing on the sight of his home town. He sighed wistfully, "I've never really appreciated Capia until this moment. It's like when you leave the arms of a beautiful lover - only when you leave do you realise you may have taken him for granted… I mean her!" He added hastily.

Dannyl nodded in agreement, wondering how on earth the scholar would have any idea about lovers if he was in a chastity club. Then again, there were probably plenty of things Tayend could do with his lover without resorting to having sex. Like playing charades or dominoes.

Feeling satisfied, Dannyl asked slyly, "Aren't you frightened? After all, you have agreed to travel to scary foreign places with a man you only met a few weeks ago!"

Tayend made a noise of dismissal. "You're the least scary man I know!"

Dannyl's keen sense of manly pride was wounded. "This coming from a man who wears a ponytail and who no doubt spends five hours every morning getting dressed!"

The scholar wasn't affronted in the least, Dannyl noticed disappointedly. He just replied, "Well, I've been told all my effort pays off." He looked back over the ocean. The effect of his smug comment was somewhat lessened as he promptly threw up over the railings.

Dannyl couldn't control his glee. "Not so sexy now, are we?"

Tayend muttered a stream of angry Vindo under his breath, probably insults directed at the magician.

Dannyl chuckled, and gave the Elyne a fond pat on the shoulder. (He resolved that one day he would try patting the scholar's backside. Purely for experimental reasons, of course.)

"Why don't you let me heal you?" Dannyl offered kindly.

Tayend's eyes widened in horror. "NO!" He screamed.

Dannyl got the message. "Fine, but just let me know if you change your mind. It's gonna be a long journey…"

Tayend moaned weakly and collapsed on the deck.

All of a sudden, Dannyl made yet another revelation. This time, he was _certain_ he must be correct. It explained why Tayend was throwing up, and why he was afraid of Dannyl healing him.

Tayend of Tremmelin was bulimic.

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_Finally a short chapter! Please let me know what you think ;D _

_And I've taken some things readers suggested to me into consideration, and altered plans for later chapters. So thanks for the feedback, and feel free to keep making suggestions :D_

_And finally, thanks Ronan for the dominoes idea, and thanks Jaycest for the help with the opening lines ;D  
_


	6. The Hardships of Friendship

**Chapter 5:**

**The Hardships of Friendship**

Nothing really interesting happened on the journey to Lonmar. Well, except Tayend getting sick another couple dozen times, and an eyoma attack. But apart from that, the journey was rather uneventful.

One morning, Tayend was on deck reading. The magician was bored, so he wandered up to him and asked nosily, "What are you reading?"

Tayend absently replied, "A romance novel." After he said it, he cursed his stupidity. Admitting that he sometimes read mushy love novels was a sure way to make Lord Dannyl question his sexuality. He hastily added, "I brought it by accident, it's my sister's book! But I have nothing else to read."

Instead of mentioning the fact that Tayend had brought three cases filled with books, Dannyl nodded sympathetically. "You poor thing. You have nothing to do but throw up and read trashy books. But don't worry, once we reach Lonmar you'll have plenty of work to do!"

The Elyne ignored the jibe and blurted out, "Can I ask you something?"

Dannyl nodded. "Of course! Ask me anything you like – so long as it's not to do with my past!"

"If I had… a deep dark secret. Would you still want to be my friend?"

Dannyl grinned cheerfully. "Of course I would! We all have secrets, don't we? Oh, except for me, obviously. I'm completely normal!"

The scholar gave the magician a disbelieving look. "Right. But what if there's something about me you really should know? Would you be angry at me for not telling you?"

The Ambassador gave his friend a reassuring smile. "It's alright, I already know your secret."

Tayend sighed with relief. "I knew you would. After all, it would take a complete fool not to have figured it out by now."

"You're bulimic, aren't you?"

"WHAT?" Tayend cried out. "No I'm not!"

Dannyl shook his head sadly. "You know, acceptance is the first step to recovery."

"I do NOT have an eating disorder!"

Dannyl frowned. "So why are you vomiting all over the place then? And more importantly, why don't you let me heal you?" Unexpectedly, the answer came to him. "Are you _pregnant_?"

"NO!" Tayend screamed furiously. "Do I _look_ pregnant to you?"

The magician examined the young man and admitted, "No, not really. You're kind of scrawny. You should really eat more."

Utterly exasperated, Tayend strode off to his cabin, leaving Dannyl wondering what on earth he had done wrong. _Friendship is such hard work!_ The scholar had left his book on the deck, and Dannyl quickly hid it in his robes, and decided to return it later. (After he had flicked through it to read all the juicy parts.)

Dannyl just didn't know why Tayend had gotten so upset_. It must be all those conflicting hormones raging through him, seeing as he _is_ a chastity club member. That couldn't be an easy thing__ to live with. Not that I would know… The closest thing I came to a relationship __was that woman I was arranged to be married to. All we ever did was hold hands once! I'm so glad I realised during the wedding ceremony that I didn't want to marry her, and ra__n out of the church screaming. Even if I _did_ shame my family's name for eternity._

Not for the first time, Dannyl wished he knew more about the facts of life. At the Guild, novices were taken aside by Healers and given "The Talk". Dannyl had witnessed boys coming out afterwards looking traumatised. Fergun had taken the whole ordeal particularly roughly, and had to spend two weeks in the Healer's Quarters to recover from the shock.

But Dannyl never had any of this explained to him properly, seeing as how the magicians disregarded him as a weirdo; and believed that the less information he was given, the better. The best Dannyl could do was piece together the odd comments other novices made, as well as to take out some biology books from the library, and try to puzzle it all over.

In the end, Dannyl had spent far more time trying to figure out about sex, than he had on his studies, and he fell behind. It was only thanks to Lord Rothen that he hadn't been expelled from the Guild. Rothen became Dannyl's guardian, and helped him pass his exams by telling him the questions that would be coming up in all the tests. As well as the answers.

Yes, Rothen was truly an honourable man (even if he _did_ have a nemmin addiction), and Dannyl was proud to have him as a friend. But Dannyl didn't feel content to have one friend; his life would be complete if only he had one more. Tayend was the perfect candidate. He was intelligent, cheerful, and good-looking. It also helped that Tayend doubled as Dannyl's assistant, so he could do all the work on Dannyl's research, as well as carry his bags around.

Lord Dannyl sighed and looked out over the sparkling ocean. _But first I need to discover what Tayend's secret is…_

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_Thanks very much to Heidi for drawing a wonderful comic-style picture for this chapter! I can't post the link here, but check my profile for it :D  
_


	7. A Colourful Protest

**Chapter 6:**

**A Colourful Protest**

Finally the uncomfortable sea journey was over, and the ship had reached Lonmar. Tayend was very eager to get off the ship; apparently some of the sailors had repeatedly made inappropriate suggestions to him. Lord Dannyl was yet again glad he was a magician, and that no one had ever dared say anything unsuitable to _him_ during his life. Except perhaps Lord Fergun. And most of the Guild.

Dannyl recalled the time as a novice, when he and Fergun had ended up locked in a closet. It had been yet another of Fergun's desperate attempts to show Dannyl his sword. Luckily, Lord Rothen had been passing by and heard muffled noises from inside the closet. Expecting to see two novices of the opposite sex practising their contraceptive homework, he nearly had a heart attack at the sight of Dannyl and Fergun tangled together on the floor.

That had been the day Rothen took it upon himself to become Dannyl's guardian, and to teach him the difference between a man and a woman. Unfortunately, Rothen's sex education lesson consisted of him paying a prostitute to give Dannyl a lap dance. That had been the start of Dannyl's irrational fear of women.

Utterly perplexed by his novice's strange behaviour, Rothen promptly researched Dannyl's symptoms in the Guild library. To his utmost horror, he discovered from reading the renowned book _How to Straighten out Your Novice,_ that the most logical explanation for Dannyl's fear of women was that he was gay.

Rothen had chosen the only honourable option available to him. He forced Dannyl to overdoes on nemmin; a drug that effectively lowered sex drive. Rothen himself had been on it for years since his wife died. The fact that he had never slept with another woman since her death proved that nemmin really worked. Rothen believed it would be best for Dannyl to grow up to be a lonely bachelor with no sexual feelings. That way, he wouldn't have to worry about his unnatural tendencies towards men getting in the way of his life. And the Guild might _eventually_ learn to accept him as an honourable Kyralian magician, despite his freakish height.

Dannyl shivered as he remembered his horrific time at the Guild, and Rothen's unusual mentoring methods. But as he stared at Tayend walking in front of him, he began to wonder just how open-minded Elynes were in comparison to Kyralians. Did they believe it was acceptable to think about sex? Did _Tayend_ ever think about sex? Dannyl was about to ask the scholar this very question, but he became inexplicably distracted, and found his thoughts drifting into a very strange fantasy. A fantasy which Rothen would certainly have disapproved of, for the reason that it didn't involve any women.

On their way to the Guildhouse, Dannyl and Tayend had to pass through Judgment Square in the centre of Jebem city. What they saw there was simply horrifying.

Married women were disciplined for not spending enough hours every day slaving in the kitchen. Men were whipped if they were shameless enough to wear any colour that wasn't black. And children were punished for any excuse at all. Lonmar truly was a severe country, and Dannyl was relieved he had been born in Kyralia; even if it _was_ blatantly homophobic and full of the most arrogant snobs in the Allied Lands.

Tayend was taking things even worse than Dannyl. He was clearly shocked by the Lonmar customs, and seemed to be enraged by it all.

When they reached the Guildhouse, Tayend stormed purposely into his room, and took out a sheet of glittery paper. He began furiously writing on it with multi – coloured markers.

Dannyl watched his friend with mild interest, and asked, "So… what exactly are you doing?"

The scholar looked sternly up. "I'm making a sign." When Dannyl still looked blank, Tayend continued, "I'm going to start a protest! These people are enslaved by their primitive religious customs. They don't know any better! But I'm planning to change all that."

Dannyl wasn't sure if this was the best time to point out that protesters in Lonmar usually got executed. Maybe he'd explain it later, when Tayend was in a more reasonable mood.

"Er, alright then. I'm just going to take a bath. Don't follow me or anything!" The magician said warningly, before wandering off in search of some fluffy towels.

Tayend stopped what he was doing when Dannyl had left the room. He allowed his thoughts to conjure up a wonderful image of Dannyl soaking wet. He shook his head and grimly and reminded himself that Dannyl was a normal straight guy. Or so he wanted to pretend, at least.

Sighing dramatically, the Elyne went back to rummaging through his cases to find his brightest, most offending garish clothes.

_The people of Lonmar won't know what hit them,_ Tayend thought gleefully.

* * *

_I had a **lot **of trouble with this chapter compared to the previous ones... Originally it was only half this length, and so I added in the back story at the start to bulk it up, and make it more interesting. _

_Thank you **very **much for all your support so far, and please let me know what you think of this chapter! :D  
_


	8. Shiver Me Timbers!

**Chapter 7:**

**Shiver Me Timbers!**

Dannyl and Tayend's stay in Lonmar had been very eventful. They had visited the Splendid Temple, as well as managing to get drunk in several of the local taverns. But perhaps from Tayend's point of view, the stay hadn't been quite so enjoyable. For one thing, he had been mistaken for a prostitute six times. Tayend also had been forced to spend the night in a prison cell for trying to start a protest against the Lonmar religion. Despite the many fond memories, Dannyl was happy to leave this severe country behind.

The moment they boarded the ship, Tayend claimed he felt sick and needed to lie down. _Poor man_, Dannyl thought sympathetically. The Ambassador had attempted to bribe the Vindo sailors into giving him some siyo to cheer Tayend up, but to no avail. So Dannyl stole a crate of it when the sailors were too busy having an orgy below decks to notice.

A week into the journey, something very exciting happened. Something so unexpected, that even Tayend dragged himself out of his cabin to investigate.

_Pirates_.

These weren't the swashbuckling, jolly young fellows that the scholar had read about in his sister's romance novels. These pirates were the real deal. They all wore eye patches, and looked as if they hadn't seen a dentist in all their life. The leader even had a green and red parrot glued onto his shoulder.

"Ahoy there, matey! Hand us over yar young laddie!" The leader demanded at Dannyl, as he leered at Tayend on the deck.

The Elyne was highly affronted, but was too terrified to reply. Instead, he made the most of Lord Dannyl's ridiculous height by hiding behind him.

Dannyl laughed viciously in the pirate's face. "Do you honestly think we'd hand him over for _free_? We want at least fifty gold for him."

The magician felt a very sharp and painful poke between his shoulder blades, and heard Tayend whisper furiously to him. Heeding the scholar's words, Dannyl continued, "No actually, he's worth five hundred gold! And not a penny less."

The pirate leader scratched his beard in bemusement. "Shiver me timbers! No young laddie is worth that much! We can buy twenty of 'em for that price in Sachaka, so we can!"

The pirates promptly sailed away, in search of more handsome young men and buried treasure.

Tayend sighed in relief, but hastily shot Dannyl a frosty glare. "You unbelievably savage scoundrel! Why didn't you act like a _real_ magician, and blow them all up for even _thinking_ of buying me?"

Dannyl shrugged, and casually took out a flask of siyo from his robes and took a swig.

Tayend carried on fiercely. "And offering to sell me for only _fifty_ gold! How absolutely insulting!"

The magician loved it when the scholar was angry, so did nothing to try to calm him down. He just grinned innocently, twirled around dramatically and strode away.

Tayend grabbed Dannyl ferociously by the shoulders and spun him around to face him. "You insufferable, selfish, arrogant, irresistibly gorgeous man!" Tayend cried out in a single breath, his face burning with both fury and passion.

Dannyl listened in surprise to the Elyne's words, and knew without a doubt that he must have misunderstood his meaning. Or perhaps Tayend was drunk on siyo. Pulling away from him, Dannyl said in a pleasant tone, "Why don't you stay up here for a while to cool off? I'm going to bed. Nightie night!"

The magician strolled down to his cabin, leaving a very confused Tayend on the deck. When Dannyl glanced back over his shoulder, he saw that the young man's attention was fixed on two leeches mating. The scholar muttered something which sounded like, "I'm glad at least _some_ of us are getting some action."

Dannyl, having no idea what Tayend meant, frowned and continued down to his cabin. _It looks like Elynes are every bit as crazy as Rothen had warned me,_ he mused to himself.

* * *

_I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I've been slower updating lately, but with your support I'll definately continue with this parody :D _

_I know it was lazy of me to stick with the whole "Selling Tayend to pirates" joke that was in the book, but I couldn't seem to write anything better, so I kept it :P Let me know what you think of this chapter anyway! _


	9. Acrobats

**Chapter 8:**

**Acrobats and Accidental Revelations **

Nothing all that interesting occurred on the ship after the pirate incident (which Tayend was now pretending never happened). The magician and his feisty assistant arrived in Kito Town, and soon settled into the Guildhouse. Tayend seemed to adore the Vindo culture; perhaps because he liked the idea that every second day was a public holiday.

On one such day, Dannyl and his assistant had gone for a wander through the city. The only thing that seemed to bother Tayend was the boldness of the Vindo ladies. Already, over a dozen of them had approached him, and casually invited him home for what they called some "innocent fun, with no strings attached." The young Elyne firmly refused these advances, and Dannyl tried to be helpful by explaining to the women that Tayend was in a chastity club. The scholar was amazed when he realised that Dannyl actually believed this to be the case_. Hasn't he figured out the truth yet?_ He thought wearily to himself.

But Tayend's worries were interrupted when he caught sight of the performers on the street. His heart skipped several beats, and then swelled with pure joy. For a few moments he stood frozen with astonishment, before the most beautiful word in the world escaped from his trembling lips.

"ACROBATS!"

Dannyl was genuinely concerned for his young companion. His breathing was rapid, he was shaking, and there was a crazed expression of ecstasy on his handsome face. His eyes were unnaturally wide as they stared intently at the shirtless, tanned and wonderfully toned men who were performing on the street.

Dannyl's own gaze focused on the acrobats for some inexplicable reason. But he finally managed to pull his eyes away from them. Feeling rather uneasy, the magician told Tayend he was going to buy some wine. The scholar just nodded vaguely, and continued ogling the half naked men.

When Dannyl entered the wine shop, it was wonderfully cool and peaceful in comparison to the noisy celebrations outside. Dannyl took a deep calming breath, and looked back out the window. What he saw outside was so terrible, so unexpected, it made him completely forget Lord Dannyl's sixth Commandment: _Thou shalt not panic._

Some dirty pervert was harassing Tayend!

Dannyl gave an almightily roar of fury, and charged out of the shop and back onto the street. The scholar was backed up against a wall in fear. His assailant was grinning manically, and brandishing a rusty twelve inch knife. For some unknown reason, no one else seemed to notice or care what was going on. Perhaps this was all an everyday occurrence to them.

But Dannyl wasn't willing to accept it. _Nobody touches _my_ assistant and gets away with it!_

He summoned up an unnecessary amount of magic and directed it forcefully into the man. He exploded into a cloud of green smoke, just as Dannyl belatedly realised he had broken his own seventh Commandment: _Thou shalt not kill._ People nearby finally took interest in what had just happened, and they cheered at Dannyl for his amazing magic trick. The magician pulled his most fearsome face, stood up to his full height and bared his teeth. The crowd fled in terror.

Turning his attention back to Tayend, Dannyl saw him lying in a heap on the ground. He rushed frantically over and placed his hand on the scholar's wrist. To Dannyl's relief, Tayend was alright; he had just fainted from shock. Dannyl was about to pull away, when he gave into temptation and listened to Tayend's thoughts.

The Elyne's life flashed before Dannyl's eyes.

The magician couldn't take it all in, but he caught snatches of different memories. Tayend's tenth birthday; when he had cried because his father had given him a toy sword instead of the pony he had asked for. His fourteenth birthday; when a girl had kissed him for the first time, and he had run away screaming in terror. Then his sixteenth birthday party; when his best friend Darlend had snogged him in front of a crowd of guests, and Tayend had fainted with shock.

Things got more sordid after that, as the memories switched to scenes such as Tayend getting caught in bed with a married nobleman. Tayend punching Velend in the face, after finding the man ogling him through his bedroom window. Tayend making a condemning speech about Mayrie's husband at her wedding, and later that evening drunkenly trying to seduce the man. Dem Tremmelin roaring accusations at his son, after finding an alarming pile of romance novels hidden under his bed. And for some reason, images of acrobats kept flashing across the Elyne's mind. Dannyl finally broke contact with Tayend and pulled away.

The scholar opened his eyes, and looked guiltily at the Kyralian. "So… so you know now, I suppose. I'm actually quite relieved. I have no idea how you didn't figure it out before now."

The Ambassador nodded slowly, as he put everything together. It had all been so obvious; he was a complete _fool _for not having seen it. It explained Tayend's fascination with acrobats, why Dem Tremmelin was ashamed of his son, and also why Tayend was so flexible.

Tayend of Tremmelin was planning to join the circus and become an acrobat.

Dannyl beamed encouragingly at his friend, and patted his arm. Tayend was shocked by his easy acceptance, and sighed. "I wish everybody were as tolerant of lads as you are!"

The magician froze, and all his wrong conclusions were instantly shattered. Looking at the Elyne in amazement he cried:

"You're a _lad?_ Since when?"

* * *

_At last Dannyl knows the truth! This is roughly halfway into the parody, and my personal favourite chapters are coming up soon; hopefully readers will enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them! _

_As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Your support is what keeps me writing and posting this crazy story! :D _


	10. Too Much Information

**Chapter 9:**

**Too Much Information**

_I've named The Older Novice after Ronan, who initially got me writing this parody. Go read his fics, they are fantastically funny! XD  
_

_There are some jokes in this chapter related to _The Magician's Apprentice_, but don't worry if you haven't read the book, I don't have any real spoilers._

_Hope you enjoy :D _

* * *

Dannyl's mind was still reeling the next evening, as he sat out on the balcony of the Guildhouse. _How can Tayend be a lad? It makes absolutely _no_ sense! _He shivered with apprehension. _How many other men do I know that are secretly lads?_

Tayend came out onto the balcony, wearing a red and gold outfit and large sunglasses. He asked with a sly smile, "Mind if I join you? Otherwise I'd look like a complete idiot carrying this around," He indicated his wine glass.

Dannyl rolled his eyes. "You look like an idiot even _without_ the glass, but never mind." The magician suddenly began to wonder if drinking wine made people gay. Because Tayend sure did seem to drink a _lot_ of wine… Then he realised that being gay could very well be contagious, and he shifted his chair away from Tayend.

Feeling proud of his unwavering straight tendencies (which he had somehow convinced himself of), Dannyl said to the scholar, "Listen, I don't have anything personal against lads – heck I was accused of being one myself… Not that it was ever proven to be true!" He added hastily. "But if our friendship is to continue, I need to be sure you're not going to… try anything inappropriate with me, alright?"

Tayend refrained from laughing at Dannyl's concerns. He was behaving just as most men still in the closet do – with denial. "That's fine Dannyl. I promise I'll stop spying on you while you undress, and not to watch you when you're having a bath."

The Kyralian's eyebrows rose alarmingly high. "Are you telling me you already do those things?"

Tayend rolled his eyes in exasperation. "I was _joking_. Just because I'm a lad, doesn't mean I can't have a normal friendship with another man."

The magician sighed in relief. "That's good to know!"

There was a long awkward silence, and Dannyl hurriedly tried to fill it with the sort of question a straight man asks his gay friend.

"How many men have you slept with?"

Tayend spat out his mouthful of drink. "Why on earth would you need to know _that_ if we are just friends?"

Dannyl blushed. "Yeah, that's true. But friends tell each other everything, right? So I won't protest if you want to tell me all the juicy details of your thrilling romantic exploits. Seeing as I'm such an amazing friend and all."

The Elyne grinned ruefully. "Alright then. But first, why don't you tell me about what _really_ happened between you and that older novice Ronan?"

"Oh my god! How do you know his name?" Dannyl cried out in horror.

Tayend smirked loftily. "You moan his name in your sleep."

Dannyl's mind worked frantically to come up with a decent cover story. "Very well, the truth then….

"When I was fifteen and a first year novice, I volunteered to take part in the annual Guild musical. That year it was _The Magician's Apprentice_, and I was delighted to secure the role of Lord Narvelan. But you see Ronan; the novice who got the role of Lord Dakon was a known lad. All the other novices hated him, because they were certain he was going to steal the show. So they shunned him after rehearsals."

Dannyl took a deep breath and plunged on. "You need to understand that I had no idea Ronan was a lad. Even if he _did_ giggle all the time, and kept gushing over how hot Lord Rothen was. Anyway, most of my scenes in the play were with him, and we soon grew to be friends. He helped me out with my homework, and I helped him style his hair. But little did I know that Ronan wanted much, much more…

"On the night of the performance in front of the whole Guild, everything went perfectly. Everything except for the very end, when the entire audience gasped in horror at what happened on stage.

"Lord Dakon had grabbed his friend Narvelan and started kissing him passionately. The whole Guild was disgusted at such an abomination of a musical. Afterwards, Ronan protested that in the original version of the play, Dakon and Narvelan were openly in love. This plot had been ruthlessly cut out in Lady Trudi's biased bestselling novel, which was the version of the story most people held to as fact. But the truth was Trudi had only skipped over that love storyline because she wanted to punish all fangirls of slash pairings.

"Anyway, the High Lord immediately accused Ronan and me of shamelessly ruining the musical, just so we could make a frivolous statement about being gay. Ronan claimed he had only been following the original version of the text, and also he had been trying to create awareness of how mistreated lads are in society, and that was something the Guild needed to help him address.

"The High Lord was _furious_. He couldn't expel Ronan, because his parents were regular contributors to the Guild Maintenance Fund, and he didn't want to expel me because he still hoped I could turn out to be a normal straight magician."

Dannyl yawned, which made him aware that he was telling Tayend _far_ more that he needed to know. "So basically Fergun, who had been playing the lead role of Tessia in the play, was enraged that he hadn't been the one to kiss me, just like it is in Trudi's book. After that, his jealousy made him spread vicious rumours that Ronan and I were sleeping together, and unfortunately most of the Guild believed him. I was forbidden from going anywhere near Ronan, and told to only have sex with girls from then on. The teachers assured me that female magicians were well able to use magical contraceptive, so I didn't even need to worry about getting them pregnant.

"Luckily, Lord Rothen took pity on me, and he became my Guardian. He helped me reach my full potential - by making me focus on doing better in every exam than Fergun did. I succeeded," Dannyl finished triumphantly.

Tayend didn't understand why the story had to take so long. It was so late by now, it was almost morning. He needed his beauty sleep.

"Thanks for sharing that with me, Dannyl," The Elyne considered staying up to discuss it all with him, but when he looked at how long the chapter already was, he quickly reconsidered. "We'll talk more tomorrow. Goodnight!"

Dannyl sighed as the scholar went off to bed. His throat was sore from talking so much, and he realised that Tayend had drunken all the wine. He silently cursed the author, and her inability to write shorter chapters.

* * *

_I really hope the back story wasn't confusing, and I didn't go overboard! LOL I reckon this is the last chapter where I'll be explaining Dannyl's past, unless I make small references to it in the future._

_As always, please let me know what you think of the chapter! :D  
_


	11. Parties and Presumptions

**Chapter 10:**

**Parties and Presumptions**

**Warning: **Potentially pointless chapter.**  
**

Dannyl and Tayend were back on the ship - this time heading back to Capia. Dannyl reflected on how unprofessional this whole journey had been; especially seeing as how there had barely been _any_ mention of his ambassadorial duties, or even the magical research that was the whole point of his storyline in the first place.

As if on cue, the author decided to make amends for her sloppiness.

Tayend turned to Dannyl and asked, "So… did you accept any of the bribes those families offered you?"

The magician shook his head. "No, I most certainly did _not_! I can't believe parents actually thought I would pretend their kids had magical potential and send them off to the Guild, just for offering me a measly 50 gold!"

Tayend chuckled. "I heard that Errand used to accept far less than that!"

Dannyl frowned. "Who's Errand?"

"The First Ambassador. He hasn't been introduced yet, and I don't really think he will be. As a matter of fact, a rather large number of important characters haven't even been mentioned yet. How bizarre." Tayend shrugged. "Well anyway, Bel Whatsherface is holding her annual birthday party soon, and we simply must attend!"

Dannyl looked puzzled. "Bel who?"

"Never mind, let's just call her Bella. You'll be invited to the party, no doubt. We Elynes have big expectations of tall people, you know!" Tayend appraised Dannyl and giggled like a frisky novice girl.

The magician somehow missed the blatant innuendo. "But how will _you_ get invited to the party?" He asked.

The scholar grinned slyly. "I have some… friends who will let me come with them if I ask _nicely_."

Dannyl gasped. "Are you saying you're willing to perform sexual favours for your friends just so you can go to some middle aged woman's party?"

The Elyne was shocked. "Oh no! Why ever would you presume _that_? What I meant by "ask nicely" was that I'd say "please" and give them a basket of cookies."

Dannyl was immensely relieved that the misunderstanding was cleared up. "That's fine. But why do you want me to go so badly? And even more importantly, what will you _wear_?"

The Elyne smiled craftily. "I'd be lying if I said I wanted to discuss research with you at the party. I just want you to meet some of my friends! And I think it'll do you good to get drunk. As to what I'll wear, I have no idea yet. Ever since Bel Gaga became queen and took over all the Elyne clothing industries, fashion has become a lot more unpredictable. And revealing."

The magician looked concerned. "This raises another question. Didn't you just miss a terrible amount of work at the Great Library? Won't Irand be mad?"

Tayend beamed. "That's the joy of not getting paid for a job. It doesn't matter how many days you skip. I once didn't turn up for two weeks without giving notice, and Irand hardly realised I was missing!"

"But you've been away for _months_ this time! What if Irand found a replacement for you?"

Tayend retorted in a dignified tone, "No one could _ever_ replace me! I have such a terrific memory after all, and speak five dead languages!"

Dannyl wondered vaguely if Tayend used that as a chat-up line, and if he _did_, if it actually worked.

"Er, right. Well, I was promised a short chapter, so I'm just off to… wash my hair now. Please don't follow me, because that'll just make the chapter longer."

Tayend stared disappointedly at Dannyl as he walked away. Suddenly, the scholar had a sneaky idea. He followed the magician down to his cabin, trusting in the fact that the chapter was about to end here anyway. He chuckled to himself. _This is the perfect way for readers to make wild assumptions about what happens next… _

* * *

This isn't a great chapter, but the party scenes are coming up next and I've spent a lot more time on those :D Please let me know what you think anyway!

**I have to thank Heidi for sharing her wonderfully hilarious picture based on the "pregnant" scene in chapter 5 of this parody! Here it is:

http:/perhone .deviantart .com/art/The-Novice-parody-213836214

Just take out the spaces to see the link! And check out her other BMT work on Deviant Art, it's all fatastic XD


	12. A Scandalous Party Part 1

**Chapter 11:**

**A Scandalous Party**

**Part 1  
**

_(I was supposed to update this ages ago, but my work on NaNoWriMo took over. Thanks to _KingHerod_ for suggesting the Bella Swan/vampire idea, I just hope I did it justice!)_

* * *

Dannyl arrived at Bella's party on his own. Poor Errand had eaten too many sweets on the journey over, and hadn't been able to fit out of the carriage door. So this left Dannyl having to brave the hostess and her guests by himself.

The magician had carefully researched Bel Bella Swan's past. It had taken his mind off all those nasty letters Administrator Lorlen kept sending him, demanding him to resign for not doing his job properly. Dannyl had decided the sensible thing to do was to burn these letters, and pretend they didn't exist.

Regarding Bel Bella Swan, Dannyl discovered from Wikipedia that she had starred in a popular romantic play as a teenager, and then gone on to have six different husbands (at the same time) and then killed all of them (except one, she still keeps him in her basement.) Now middle aged, Bella was filthy rich, as well as infamously filthy minded. It was said she had slept with over half of the Elyne court. Which was impressive, seeing as the other half of the Elyne court were gay.

For some reason, Bella had a preference for tall, pale skinned men with mysterious secrets and angsty behavioural issues. Her fetish for sparkly male bodies was also well known, and had sparked a trend of men covering themselves in glitter in order to attract her attention. But these days, Bella was very particular about her choice in men, and she selected only the very finest and youngest that the Allied Lands had to offer.

Back to the present, Dannyl had forgotten (yet again) to take his nemmin on the morning of the party. Not taking this sexual repressant drug left him vulnerable to having unnatural thoughts about the wrong sex. He just hoped nobody at the party would notice…

The Ambassador's worries were forgotten as he found himself intrigued by the structure of Elyne homes. The architecture was very different from what he was used to in Kyralia. For one thing, Elyne houses had no roofs. For another, they had the bare minimum of walls. Dannyl had heard that this saved the owners a load of money- money which could be better spent on food and wine.

_It's a wonder all Elynes aren't obese! _

But Dannyl's puzzlement over how the Elynes kept in such good shape was soon revealed. He spotted a small group of ladies heading towards a room with a sign beside it that read: The Vomitorium. Sounds of people throwing up could be heard from inside. _Well that's one mystery unravelled, _Dannyl thought wryly to himself.

What Tayend had said to Dannyl had been true – the Elyne fashion had indeed changed again recently. There were a few guests who were still wearing yesterday's fashion. These poor souls had banded together in groups; so as to be braver when facing nasty comments from the style elites. Dannyl felt immensely relieved that he could wear the same robes every single day for the rest of his life. He wondered how scandalised the Elynes would be if they knew the magician in their midst was wearing underclothes which clashed with his purple robes.

_I just better make sure not to get involved in any sort of activity that would involve me taking off my robes_… _Like ending up in bed with some random guest, _Dannyl mused. _I suppose it's a good thing I don't even know _how_ to have sex._ Dannyl once again cursed the Guild's awful sex education.

Most of the guests _were_ dressed according to the newest fashion trends, as set by Queen Gaga herself. For women, this meant alarmingly short, slashed skirts (Dannyl saw more bare ankles than he had done in his entire life) and low cut bodices (Dannyl had no idea how these women didn't catch colds). The Ambassador didn't know where it was polite to look, but then his attention was caught by the male guests. They were mostly wearing tight trousers, elaborately ruffled shirts and brightly coloured jackets. For some reason, everyone was incredibly pale, and wearing fangs.

A young man approached Dannyl, and the magician found his eyes drawn to his lovely legs.

"Hello Dannyl! Why are you staring at my legs?"

Dannyl raised his gaze to the man's face, and saw it was Tayend.

"Oh, hey Tayend! I was just um… wondering how you can even breathe in clothes that tight."

The scholar chuckled. "We Elynes are taught not to breathe from a young age. It's the first thing that we learn at Style School. Those who didn't learn to adapt to meet the demands of an ever changing array of fashion trends were sent home in shame to spend the rest of their life shunned by society."

"How fascinating," Dannyl replied distractedly. "But what's with this new fashion?"

Tayend beamed. "The theme for this season is vampires." He indicated his glass of blood-red wine.

_Elynes are so lucky! _Dannyl mused._ They get to experiment with all sorts of lifestyles._

"What are you thinking about, Dannyl?" Tayend asked in low, silky voice.

"Oh, just that I like experimenting!"

The scholar took a step closer to Dannyl and smiled demurely, his fangs glinting. "I can help you with that…"

Dannyl experienced the strangest feeling; he wanted to grab the scholar and give him a cuddle. He pushed away such perverse thoughts – it was wrong to touch other men. That's what the Guild had drilled into him.

Just then a tall, muscular man (obviously not as tall as Dannyl, but tall by Elyne standards) strolled over to them. The man looked incredibly like Lord Fergun; he even used the same brand of hair gel to slick his hair back with. He shot Dannyl a dark look, and put his arm around Tayend's shoulders possessively.

Tayend scowled. But he managed to keep his cool, and say politely, "This is Velend, my _friend_." He emphasised the last word.

Velend giggled; an unusual sound coming from such a tough looking man. "Actually, we're a lot closer than _friends_, judging by what happened last night."

"I was drunk!"Tayend exclaimed bitterly.

"Is that why you kept calling me _Lord Dannyl_, then? And why you made me dress up in purple robes?" Velend asked, genuinely baffled.

The scholar's expression turned livid. He shot Dannyl an anxious glance.

But Velend continued to Tayend, "If you're lucky, I might let you play with my magnificent sword again tonight!"

Dannyl was saved from this confusing conversation by Bel Bella herself. She beamed when she saw Dannyl, as he was _exactly_ the sort of man she was on the prowl for. She just hoped he wasn't gay, like most of her husbands had turned out to be. She grabbed him by the arm, and dragged him outside into the garden…

* * *

_The next chapter continues with the party scene and should be up soon! Please let me know what you think so far, I ended up making a lot of late changes, and I'm not entirely sure they worked :P _

_As always, I'm extremely grateful for all your lovely reviews and comments so far XD  
_


	13. A Scandalous Party Part 2

**Chapter 12:**

**A Scandalous Party**

**Part 2  
**

**Warning: **_A disappointing lack of sex in the following chapter, despite numerous opportunities for Lord Dannyl._

Once they reached the garden, Bel Bella Swan led the magician to a bench behind a large bush. She carefully adjusted her new dress designer dress (which was shaped like a swan, to remind her guests of her surname) so that the neckline went alarmingly low. Dannyl couldn't help but wonder how she even fitted into the dress at all; it looked about two sizes too small.

Battering her eyelashes, she said suggestively, "My word Ambassador, you certainly are as tall as everyone says you are! I do hope that's the only rumour about you that's true. Incidentally, we Elynes have a saying about tall magicians…"

Dannyl, who was unused to talking to women, muttered incoherently. He hoped this woman wasn't about to stab him in the leg like Sonea had done. Women could be so evil.

The Bel didn't really care about Dannyl's lack of conversing skills. She just wanted to get him into bed, so she could tell everyone she had slept with a _magician_, and see if the rumours about tall magicians were true. She decided this could be a quick, easy seduction.

"So, Ambassador… what are you wearing under your robes?" She asked in a low, provocative tone, as she ran her sharp-nailed finger down his chest.

"OH MY GOD! You're not the fashion police, are you?" Dannyl exclaimed worriedly. "I swear I didn't know it was illegal to wear non-matching underclothes!"

Bella rolled her eyes, but tried to keep her voice sexy. She started stroking his leg with one hand, while the other toyed with his hair. "I don't care what colour your pants are… I'm sure it won't matter once they're on my bedroom floor."

Dannyl was completely terrified by now, and swatted her wandering hands away from him. "_What_ in the Allied Lands are you talking about?"

The Bel finally gave up her subtle flirting, and said impatiently, "Just take off your trousers and I'll show you."

The magician was glad Rothen had taught him how to deal with unwanted advances. He squirted the creepy woman with pepper spray, and yelled out as he ran back inside, "That'll teach _you_ for trying to mess with Lord Dannyl! Go steal another man's virginity, you predatory old hag!"

When Dannyl entered the main party room again, he was dismayed to find that almost everyone was drunk. This was impressive because the party had only started half an hour ago. _What the hell are these people drinking?_

Things were getting scary too; couples were openly doing stuff that should be kept private – like kissing and holding hands. Dannyl shuddered; it was all making him feel very uncomfortable. More than once a hand "accidentally" brushed over him, and it wasn't only _ladies_ who were the culprits.

Eventually the magician found Tayend. He was cheerfully brandishing a long, shiny sword. Velend was huddled in the corner crying. He claimed tearfully that Tayend had stolen his sword, and swore he would never talk to the horrible scholar again. When Tayend caught sight of Dannyl, he grinned drunkenly, threw the sword out the window, and ambled over to him.

"Dannyl, my dear friend! How absolutely splendid it is to see you! You're looking magnificent, may I add," The Elyne winked playfully. "Are you having fun?"

Dannyl shook his head in distress. "No, not really. I nearly got raped by the hostess."

Tayend looked sympathetic. "Don't worry, she does that to almost every man she meets. If you read the party invitations she sent out, she puts in small writing at the end that she cannot be held accountable for her wild sex drive."

The magician couldn't think of anything to say in reply. He glanced over to where Tayend's friends were fooling around in the wine fountain with some shirtless, glittery acrobats. Amused, Dannyl asked, "Have any pleasant young men taken your interest?"

Tayend bit his lip, as if considering how much information to share. "Well… there is this amazing guy, but I don't know if he's interested in me."

"What does he look like?"

The scholar threw all caution to the wind. "He's _really_ tall, wears purple robes, and usually has a look of polite puzzlement on his handsome face."

A look of polite puzzlement crossed Dannyl's handsome face. "I didn't know there were other magicians at this party!"

Tayend sighed wearily, and gave up. "There aren't. Anyway, my friends and I are going to have a wine fight out in the courtyard. You wanna join us?" Tantalizing thoughts of Dannyl soaking wet filled the scholar's mind, and he began to imagine how the evening could play out: After the wine fight, Tayend would politely invite the magician back to his place; where he would slowly undress him, under the pretence of taking off his wet clothes to dry them. Then he would push Dannyl onto his luxurious bed and give him a wild night of passion that the magician would never forget.

But much to the scholar's *and fangirls'* dismay, Dannyl was intent on leaving the party as soon as possible. After making the excuse that it was well past his bedtime and Errand would be getting worried, Dannyl waved goodbye to Tayend and strode hastily through the crowded room. On his way out, he swiped a couple of bottles of wine and hid them under his robes. _I'd like to see an Elyne courtier try _that_! _He thought smugly to himself.

But as Lord Dannyl chuckled to himself; his mind full of innocent mischief, he was completely unaware he had just overlooked his handsome friend's advances, and thus missed out on what would have been the best night of his life.

Tayend, meanwhile, apologised to Velend, and made him dress up as Dannyl again for the night.

* * *

_Sorry if the ending's awful, I kept changing it and I don't think I'll ever be happy with it. I'd love to know what you thought of the chapter overall :D _

_And I never dreamed I'd reach the 100 reviews mark with this parody, so thank you all so much for your lovely feedback and taking the time to assure me I'm not completely crazy writing all of this ;D  
_


	14. The Tragic Tale of Mayrie

**Chapter 13:**

**The Tragic Tale of Mayrie of Tremmelin**

**Warning: **_Potentially a pointless chapter, where the author _finally_ pokes fun at Akkarin, and makes up more unnecessary back story. _

For a month after Bella's party, Dannyl hardly ventured outdoors at all, feeling he had endured enough social contact to last him a lifetime. Errand took pity on Dannyl, and suggested he take a short holiday. The magician gratefully accepted the excuse to take more time off work. The First Ambassador was perfectly content to do all the ambassadorial duties himself; while Dannyl went off frolicking around the countryside with his sexy assistant.

Dannyl visited the Great Library to discuss holiday plans with the scholar. Tayend was in a great mood, and offered him a variety of different coloured wines from his secret stash.

"Is this going to be as awesome as our previous adventures together?" He asked excitedly.

"Well… this time we actually better get down to some serious research."

"Darn it. That stupid research storyline really kills the romance," the scholar grumbled.

"What romance?" Dannyl asked curiously. "Are you and Velend-"

"I HATE VELEND! DON'T YOU _GET_ IT?" Tayend screamed, loud enough for Velend (who was currently hiding behind some book shelves) to hear. There was a muffled sobbing noise, which Tayend ignored.

"All right!" Dannyl replied hastily. "But you did seem to like his sword."

"It was shiny," Tayend agreed deviously. "Anyway, will we be able to take a detour on the trip to visit my sister? She gets very lonely in her big mansion sometimes."

"Sure! I'd love to meet her. Actually, I don't know a lot about her…" Dannyl tried to picture a female version of Tayend. It wasn't all that difficult.

Tayend took a long draught of wine. "Let me fill you in. I just hope the story doesn't bore you as much as your "older novice" story bored me."

The scholar began telling Dannyl the tragic tale of his sister. Elynes were tolerant of lots of things, but one thing they couldn't accept was ugliness. For this reason, Mayrie of Tremmelin had spent her childhood years locked in the attic by their crazed father, in the hopes that one day she would miraculously turn into a beautiful young woman. But alas, Mayrie didn't grow any prettier, and so her father was left with no choice…

Dem Tremmelin spread the lie at court that he was only locking up his daughter because Mayrie was so stunning; no man was good enough to marry her. This immediately sparked interest among the eligible bachelors of Capia. They had no reason to doubt Dem Tremmelin's words, seeing as it was logical to assume that someone as handsome as Tayend would have a drop-dead gorgeous sister.

Eventually Tremmelin sold Mayrie off to the highest bidder, who was Orrend of Potpourri; a proud, reserved sort of fellow, who had impeccable taste in perfumes. Orrend didn't see his future wife until the day of their wedding, and by then it was too late to back out of the arrangement.

And so, Mayrie and Orrend had lived to this day on a vineyard, producing and selling the most delicious wines in the Allied Lands (as well as dabbling secretly in illicit poisons). However, Mayrie had developed an intense hatred of men, and occasionally would lock Orrend up in the attic when he disagreed with her. She saw him as a representation of all men; and had no reservations about punishing him for the sake of womankind.

Tayend finished by saying, "Just to warn you, apart from being mentally unstable, my sister can speak bluntly at times. So don't let it upset you."

Dannyl gulped. This Mayrie sounded rather frightening, and he wondered why Tayend wanted to visit her at all. "I'll try not to. But you know how sensitive I secretly am."

"Just don't let her see that, or she will eat you alive. And besides, _I_ like your sensitivity. It's a pity all men aren't brave enough to show their feelings… I hate guys who are like that macho Akkarin." The Elyne muttered darkly.

"Who's he?" Dannyl asked blankly.

"Your High Lord. Sorry, he hasn't been introduced into the story yet. All you need to know is he's the most annoyingly masculine man you'll ever meet. Oh, and he's having a steamy affair with his friend Lorlen."

"Who's Lorlen?" Dannyl was acutely disturbed that he didn't know any of this. He resolved to send an angry letter of complaint to the author of the story.

"He's the Guild Administrator," the scholar said dismissively. "I'm guessing you don't know about what happened ten years ago either… Akkarin travelled around the Allied Lands, conducting research for his book about combining magic and sex. He disappeared for a few years in Sachaka, before mysteriously turning up at the Guild again, completely naked and bruised all over. He claims he was attacked by some murderous Sachakan slave girls, who didn't like his crooked smile."

Dannyl smiled with relief. "Ah yes! Now I remember. Wasn't I supposed to be following in his footsteps, and continuing his research?"

Tayend nodded solemnly. "Yes, you were. But let's not talk about work; it gives me a terrible headache, as well as a mad urge to drink more wine. Oh, did I mention that my sister Mayrie absolutely hates all men? So don't take it personally."

Dannyl grinned ruefully. "Well, the last woman I met tried to molest me, so I doubt your sister hating me can be any worse."

The scholar's face was unusually grave. "You have _no_ idea."

* * *

_This chapter's more of a prelude for the next one, where we finally meet Mayrie XD _

_Ok, and some fans gave out to me about the fact they hadn't realised I was posting another parody, so here's an official mention of it: _

_I've started posting up _**The**** Complete Novice Spoof**_- which includes a more extensive range of characters from the Novice. Check it out if you feel like braving more of my parodies XD I tend to take a while updating this parody, so I plan to update the other one in the meantime, so hopefully that will make up a little for the delay. _


	15. Hell Hath No Fury

**Chapter 14:**

**Hell Hath No Fury like Mayrie Scorned**

To Dannyl's disappointment, Mayrie looked nothing like her brother. Dannyl couldn't help but suspect that Dem Tremmelin hadn't been the father of both his children. It would certainly explain the mysterious disappearance of Mrs Tremmelin. It was logical to assume that a man as homophobic as Dem Tremmelin was capable of a hideous crime like murdering his wife.

Dannyl had never seen a woman who dressed or acted in the way Mayrie did. For one thing, she wore trousers. For another, the badge pinned to her blouse said: _"__I do not refer to myself as a housewife, because I did not marry a house."_Mayrie had an air of complete confidence about her, and she appraised everyone with a critical eye. Dannyl felt himself shudder under her icy gaze. The magician considered how he used to be terrified of the High Lord. But Akkarin was a pussy cat compared to this tigress.

"So Lord Dannyl, are you married?" Tayend's sister asked bluntly, as the three of them were having dinner.

Dannyl's wineglass shook uncontrollably in his hand. "Erm, no…"

Mayrie's eyebrows shot up accusingly. "What, have you got something against women? Not good enough for you, are we?"

The magician exclaimed hastily, "Oh no! Not at all. Women are the best gender in the world! It's a shame they don't _rule_ the world; that would solve all our problems."

Mayrie smirked – she liked submissive men. "I agree completely. Men are pigs; they should all be slaughtered."

Dannyl nodded fervently. There was no way he would _dare_ oppose this ferocious lady. Suddenly, a loud banging could be heard from upstairs. Dannyl looked questioningly at his hostess.

Mayrie beamed. "That's just my husband, Orrend. You may call him Oreo if you like; he hates that. Anyway, I've locked him up in the attic because he had the cheek to assume that because we are married, he is entitled to have sex with me once a week. How _dare_ he expect me to degrade myself like that! He's lucky if he gets it once a year, in my opinion."

Tayend took one look at Dannyl's horrified face and cut in, "Mayrie, _please_ don't talk about sex at the table – you're scaring Lord Dannyl!"

After dinner, Tayend led Dannyl out onto the balcony (along with 10 bottles of Mayrie's finest wine).

"So, what do you think of my sister?" Tayend asked his companion curiously.

Dannyl frowned. "She's really quite…um… different," he finished lamely.

The scholar scoffed. "I personally think she's got serious control issues. I also suspect she eats a bucket of ice every morning, it would explain why she's so cold-hearted. If you want to keep on her good side, just pretend to be gay. She only seems to have a personal vendetta against straight men. It would explain why she hasn't killed me yet."

The magician nodded uncertainly. "If you say so…"

It wasn't long before Tayend had managed to drink five bottles of wine, and was starting on his sixth. Dannyl was severely concerned for the man's health. Tayend was carelessly pouring out information about his friends' love lives to the magician; in far more detail that was warranted. Dannyl learned many interesting things from his ranting. _Who would have thought there __were so many__ position__s__ to have sex in? _

The Elyne's behaviour began to get stranger the more he drank. For some inexplicable reason, he kept winking playfully at Dannyl. Even more alarming was when Tayend sauntered over to where Dannyl was sitting, accidentally tripped over his legs and sprawled across him. The contents of the scholar's wineglass tipped all over Dannyl's lap, but Tayend didn't seem to notice. He just giggled merrily and patted the magician's leg.

"You're my best friend, d'ya know that?" He slurred thickly.

Dannyl was uncomfortable with Tayend's roaming hands. He said sternly, "I think you've had enough to drink, young man!"

Just then, Mayrie appeared on the balcony, after her sisterly sense had warned her Tayend was up to no good. She raised an eyebrow at the sight of her brother lying across Dannyl's wet lap.

"I swear it's not what it looks like!" Dannyl protested weakly.

Mayrie shook her head in disdain. "Honestly, you two should get a room. But I hope you can save it until later. I need to talk to Lord Dannyl now, about a matter of utmost importance."

Tayend grumbled and got unsteadily to his feet. "You're just jealous that I'm getting more action than you are!"

Mayrie shot her brother a cold look. "I don't depend on men to live a fulfilling life, thank you very much! Now, off to bed Tayend, it's past your bedtime."

The scholar rolled his eyes and left, muttering the word "frigid" under his breath.

His sister retorted viciously, "drunkard!" before turning calmly to Dannyl. Taking his arm, she led him out the garden.

Dannyl shuddered as he recalled the last time he had been alone with a woman. _But at least Mayrie won't try to molest me like__ Bel__ Bella di__d. Or at__ least I _hope_ not__…_

"I can hear your thoughts, you know!" Mayrie said loftily.

Dannyl gulped. This conversation was certainly _not_ going to be pleasant…

**To Be Continued!**

* * *

_Sorry for the continously slow updates, but there's only maybe 4 chapters left plus the epilogue... and I'd like to thank everyone who's still reading and reviewing my crazy attempt at a parody ;D _**  
**


	16. The Mayrie Inquisition

**Chapter 15:**

**The Mayrie Inquisition**

_**Warning: **__The author apologises in advance for this dismal attempt at a chapter, and would advise readers to lower their humour standards significantly while reading it. _

After walking for some time, Mayrie turned to Dannyl and asked frankly, "Are you interested in my brother?"

Dannyl blushed and stared at the ground. He was about to protest that he was straight, but he remembered what Tayend had told him about his sister hating straight men. So he pretended he was a lad. Strangely enough, this was incredibly easy for Dannyl to do.

He replied cautiously, "Tayend is really nice and all… but he's my assistant. I never mix business with pleasure."

Mayrie smiled knowingly. "Right. Have you ever slept with a man before?"

Dannyl was so startled; he walked right into a tree. "WHAT? How can you ask me something like _that_? I hardly even know you!"

The woman shot him an imperious look. "If you don't tell me, I'll just read your mind anyway."

The magician gave in, and exclaimed wearily, "Fine! No, I haven't."

"What _really_ happened between you and that older novice?"

"Why does _everyone_ want to know about that?" Dannyl cried out in exasperation.

Mayrie took a sadistic pleasure in his discomfort. "It doesn't matter anyway; Tayend already told me your life story."

Dannyl glared sullenly at her. "He told you everything? He swore on his father's life that he wouldn't tell _anyone_!"

"Actually, I just read it from his mind. Along with something else I found _very_ interesting…"

Dannyl couldn't believe the ruthlessness of this woman. Before he could think better of it, he burst out ferociously, "How _dare_ you take advantage of others? You are a wicked sister, a cruel wife, and a depraved woman. Stop taking your anger out on innocent men!"

Mayrie was startled by his outburst. She hadn't expected Lord Dannyl to be the type of man who was brave enough to stand up to her. Very few men were. But she had to admit, this magician sure was sexy when he got all self-righteous… Mayrie hadn't been this aroused by a man in years – not since she had taken a vow to rid the world of mankind.

Driven by her recklessness, Mayrie grabbed hold of Dannyl's shoulders and reached up to give him a passionate snog.

Dannyl immediately pushed her away in horror. What she was doing felt completely wrong. This fact in itself worried Dannyl – shouldn't a woman kissing him feel _right_?

Mayrie seemed unfazed and said matter-of-factly, "Well now, that was interesting! I wonder why you reacted by pushing me away…"

"Perhaps I'm not attracted to overly dominant feminists! Did you bring me out here just so you could sexually harass me? Because I know _exactly_ how to handle women like you…" Dannyl reached into his robes for the pepper spray Rothen had given him.

Mayrie cackled. "Actually, I wanted to tell you something that I read from Tayend's thoughts. To be honest, this thing has been constantly on his mind since he arrived earlier today. Can you guess what it is?"

"That he has a witch for a sister?"

Mayrie smiled crookedly. "No! Tayend has the utmost respect for me – I help scare off his unwanted stalker fangirls. What I wanted to tell you is…" Mayrie paused for dramatic effect for a whole five minutes, and Dannyl was about to walk away when she finally declared bluntly, "My brother fancies the pants off you."

The magician spun around to face Mayrie in pure astonishment. "WHAT? What do you mean, Tayend likes my pants?"

Mayrie rolled her eyes at Dannyl's _stupidity_. "No! Well, I'm sure he does like your pants. But he thinks the world of you! All he thinks about is how witty you are; how dashing, kind, intelligent and brave. His mind keeps wandering off into fantasies of you lying tied to his bed, while he soaks you with wine…" Mayrie decided to stop; partly because she needed to let her brother retain _some_ dignity, and also because of the look of total terror on Dannyl's pale face.

"You know, you _do_ look really hot; in an innocent sort of way. I can see why my brother likes you." Mayrie winked flirtatiously.

The magician blushed, and was certain this was the craziest situation he had _ever_ been put in. He silently cursed the author of the story, who clearly loved making her favourite characters squirm.

Mayrie was concerned the man in front of her was about to faint, so she continued, "So… are you attracted to Tayend? He's not a bad catch, you know. And if you _do_ have feelings for him, you better act fast! He's not short of lads and fanboys chasing after him, so it's not fair to let him waste his time pining after you."

Dannyl made a strangled noise. "I – I'm not ready for a relationship! I don't need more complications in my life just now. "

Mayrie snorted. "Your only problem is that you're not getting any sex. Trust me, once you do, you won't ever want to be celibate again."

Dannyl was incredulous. "How do you know?"

"You may be an honourable magician and all that, but you're still a man."

"But I have such non-sexual thoughts for a man. Is something wrong with me?"

"Not really," Mayrie explained patiently. "I think the author just isn't capable of writing any decent homoerotic scenes. Plus you only have a side storyline; therefore you don't deserve any juicy details."

"What about my legions of fangirls?" Dannyl asked in dismay.

"The author obviously hates them all! She wants to punish them for obsessing over slash pairings by making her principal gay character the most sexually tame man who ever existed in the history of fantasy novels."

Dannyl gaped at this woman's incredible knowledge. But before he could ask her what the meaning of life was, she took his arm and steered him back to the house. Mayrie went up to the attic to throw some cold fish and Oreo biscuits to her husband for his supper. Tayend was nowhere to be seen; he had evidently gone to bed.

The magician sighed heavily as he entered his own bedroom. As he mulled over everything Mayrie had told him, he hastily locked his door, in case Tayend wandered in in the middle of the night.

_Just because _I'm_ sexually numb, doesn't mean every other lad in this story is, _Dannyl thought reasonably to himself.

* * *

_I'm extremely disappointed with this chapter, it had a lot of potential but I feel like I failed to deliver. This parody is getting harder to write as it goes on, and it's a struggle to keep updating at all. I hope I manage to improve on the next chapter._

_As always, I appreciate all feedback and criticisms; I know I deserve a lot of the latter right now :P _


	17. Journey to Armje

**Chapter 16:**

**Journey to Armje**

_**Warning: **__This chapter contains a very annoying, stereotypical representation of a lad. The author takes full responsibility for such a travesty of a portrayal, and promises on Akkarin's life that she will never make the same mistake again. _

_Also beware of shameless references to Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings. _

One sunny morning, Dannyl and Tayend decided to visit the ruined city of Armje. This had been the advice of Dem Laddie (who is _not_ a lad, surprisingly.) They had gotten more than they bargained for when they paid a visit to his castle. They went in expecting a long, boring chat about important research matters, and came out with their pockets stuffed with oddities they had pocketed when the old man hadn't been watching. For more information about that particular incident, please DO NOT read Lady Trudi's version of the books. She took out all the interesting parts, including Dem Laddie chasing Dannyl and Tayend out of his home by hurling cats at them.

Anyway, the magician and his assistant were _not_ wandering around the countryside just so they could frolic together away from prying eyes (even if Tayend _was_ having daydreams about such things). They wanted to explore Armje; and to do so, they needed to climb over some large mountains.

"I'm sooooo tired, Dannyl!" Tayend cried, for the millionth time that morning.

"We've only just left!" Dannyl exclaimed, appalled by his friend's laziness.

"Elyne people weren't made for walking long distances, and neither were these trousers I'm wearing!"

"Take them off then!"

"I don't think so! Go perv on a sheep or something. I hear that's what magicians do," Tayend replied indignantly.

"They're called _reber_," Dannyl cried angrily. "Get that into your stupid blond head!"

The scholar abruptly stopped walking, and said in a dangerous voice, "Did you just call me stupid?"

"No, I called you fat," The magician retorted sarcastically.

Tayend took a deep breath to steady his rage. "I'm not talking to you for the rest of this journey. Which by the way, is going to take _forever_. I feel like I'm hiking up Mount Doom!"

There was silence between the two of them for some time; in which Dannyl looked frantically around for Orcs. Then the Elyne cried out resentfully, "My legs hurt! Why don't you carry me the rest of the way? Or leave me here to die; I'm not all that bothered right now."

Dannyl chuckled at his companion's suicidal whining. "Fine, we'll take a rest here for a bit."

"Have you any food? All I had for breakfast was five muffins and a bottle of wine."

"I'm not a fridge; you should have brought your own food!"

Tayend gave a long, exasperated sigh. "A _real_ magician would make a feast appear out of thin air! _And_ be able to travel through time. Wait a second; you don't have a TARDIS hidden under those robes, do you?" The scholar's face lit up with enthusiasm, as he began grabbing at Dannyl's robes.

"Hey, hands _off_!" The magician swatted the younger man's hands away. Freaked out by Tayend's actions, Dannyl took a few steps away from him. "If you promise to behave, I'll carry you the rest of the way."

Tayend beamed his most enchanting smile, and battered his eyelashes. "You're the most wonderful magician in the Allied Lands!" He gracefully bounced over to Dannyl, and gave him a tight embrace.

Dannyl, despite being used to women sexually assaulting him, was _not_ accustomed to being hugged by gorgeous blond Elyne courtiers. He blushed and flustered around for something to say.

"Oh… erm… ah… Isn't the sky a lovely shade of blue today?"

Tayend moved his hands lower down Dannyl's back, and whispered, "Oh yes, it's _really_ nice…"

"Erm Tayend… Why are your hands on my backside?"

"Are they? Whoops!" The scholar pulled slightly away, still grinning cheerfully. "We better be on our way. You may lift me up now! Unless you want me to climb onto your back…"

Dannyl cautiously picked Tayend up in his arms. Luckily the magician only had to carry him for a short time before they reached Armje. The Elyne was heavier than he looked; and Dannyl resisted from commenting that he should cut down on the muffins and wine.

"Oooh! Are we here now?" Tayend asked excitedly.

"I think so… How many other ruined cities on the Elyne border can there be?" Dannyl plonked the scholar on the ground, and stretched stiffly. "I dunno why I didn't just heal your sore legs; that would have been much more sensible than carrying you."

"But that would have disappointed the fangirls!" Tayend protested.

"Fair enough. Shall we check out that huge, ominous looking building over there?"

"The one that says "Do NOT enter unless you want to DIE" written on the door? Sure!"

They strolled into the building, and spotted some graffiti on the wall which read, "Akkarin Woz Here" along with "Akkarin + Lorlen 4ever". But then Dannyl discovered a secret door behind a book case. He was about to enter it when Tayend cried out, "You can't go in there! There are probably lots of spiders!"

Dannyl grinned recklessly. "So long as there are no women, I have nothing to fear!" He winked merrily at Tayend, and ventured inside.

Moments later, Tayend heard Dannyl scream something about spiders.

**To Be Continued…**


	18. The Long Expected Revelation

**Chapter 17:**

**The Long Expected Revelation **

Dannyl awoke feeling terrible. His back ached as though someone had clumsily dragged him over the stony ground. And the stupid birds singing were giving him a headache. He tried drawing on some magic to blow them up, but found he had none. He noted another important plot point - he hadn't taken his nemmin since yesterday morning. His mind felt clearer than usual without the drug clouding his thoughts.

The Ambassador heard approaching footsteps, and looked up at the doorway. His breathe caught at the sight before him. The most incredibly handsome man Dannyl had ever seen in his life entered the room. His lustrous golden hair was dazzling to behold, and his bright eyes shone like glittering blue gemstones.

_Who is this stunning young fellow?_ Dannyl pondered in confusion, as he admired the man's backside in his tight trousers.

The man grinned, and offered him a flask of water. "I'm so glad you're awake! If you had died, I feared the Guild would accuse me of murdering you."

Realisation hit Dannyl, with a force that made him gasp. "Tayend? You- you're… Why are suddenly looking so darn hot all of a sudden?"

Tayend blushed and smiled delightedly. "It must be my new perfume! But never mind that, you look different too… your hair's all sexily messed up, and you've got a crazed ravenous expression on your face, like you want to eat me."

Still distracted by Tayend's beauty, Dannyl replied, "Maybe I look different because I used up all my magic in the Cavern. I saw a pretty shiny gem, and I had to touch it; even though the sign beside it said not to. Anyway, everything blackened out after that."

The Elyne was sympathetic. "It wasn't your fault Dannyl. No one can resist the lure of a mysterious shiny object. I went in after you, and dragged you out. You're kind of heavy by the way… I suspect you've got something impressive hidden under those robes!" Tayend winked suggestively, making Dannyl blush scarlet. He dearly hoped Tayend hadn't been peeking under his robes.

Sensing the magician's embarrassment, the scholar continued hurriedly, "I tried giving you mouth-to-mouth to revive you, but it didn't work. Maybe I wasn't putting my tongue far enough down your throat." He licked his lips as he recalled the incident. "You were also talking in your unconsciousness as I was dragging you out. You were saying my name."

Dannyl sighed deeply, and something told him that this was his most significant moment of the story. Perhaps even his life. "Tayend, after I went unconscious, my life flashed before my eyes. And it made me realise that I need to share my tragic life story with someone. Since you're my only true friend; and are conveniently here beside me, and because I want to distract you from the physical reaction I'm having, I'm going to burden _you_ with the truth.

"You see, after I became Rothen's novice, he encouraged me to take the drug nemmin. He told me it would help me sleep, but I later discovered to my horror that the drug was in fact repressing my sexuality. Rothen of course had known the real properties of the drug, but hadn't counted on the side affect of it lowering my intelligence. Anyway, at that stage I was already addicted, so I couldn't stop taking it. But now I've realised that I've been lying to myself, and everyone else, since I was a novice."

Tayend pretended he was fully absorbed in the magician's story; but he was trying to figure out if the physical reaction Dannyl had mentioned earlier meant what he thought it did.

The Ambassador relished in Tayend's rapt attention, and indulged in another self-pitying sigh. "You should know that my first kiss was with the older novice at the end of that _Magician's Apprentice_ musical."

Tayend looked blank. "Sorry to interrupt, but what are you talking about?"

"Remember that ridiculously long story I told you about the older novice in chapter 9?" Dannyl exclaimed, annoyed that his confession was being ruined. "Anyway, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the kiss, because I did. And that's because…"

Dannyl paused dramatically for a whole ten minutes, before he finally admitted the astonishing, terrible truth that would change his storyline. Forever.

"I'm a lad."

Tayend rolled his eyes. "I know!"

The magician was truly shocked, and more than a little annoyed. "How the heck did _you_ know?"

The Elyne shot his friend a knowing smile. "It was pretty darn obvious. What sort of straight man wears purple robes for crying out loud?"

Dannyl's mind was reeling. He was rather indignant that the revelation of his latent sexuality hadn't surprised Tayend in the least_. I thought that nobody would have guessed my secret. I tried so hard to act straight and manly!_

To cheer his companion up, the scholar hastily lied, "Don't worry; I'm sure the readers are astonished that you're a lad! They probably never suspected a thing."

Feeling somewhat relieved, Dannyl ventured on bravely. "Tayend, while I was unconscious, I also thought about you; and all those splendid adventures we shared together."

The scholar grinned happily. "Really? You thought about _me_?" He self consciously tidied his hair, and felt thankful he was wearing his sexiest undergarments.

"Yes, my mind was filled with all the spectacular things about you; things I never fully allowed myself to appreciate before. Your glossy hair, your sparkling eyes, your impetuous little pout every time your wine glass is empty, your playful wink, the way you strut around like a catwalk model-"

"Stop it! You're making me blush!" Tayend giggled. "I think you're pretty awesome too. You're so tall… and handsome… and… tall," He finished lamely.

The magician had never been praised so highly in all his life. He beamed at the scholar, and found his gaze lowering to the courtier's legs. _I have no idea how he can even _walk_ in trousers that tight, _Dannyl mused in disbelief._ But they do show off his lovely legs rather well…_

Tayend raised an eyebrow. "For your information, straight men don't check out their friend's legs. And you were _always_ staring at mine! So that was another clear sign that you were a lad."

Dannyl chuckled nervously. "So, erm… what happens now? We should stay here for a few days, until I get my magic back. If only I had brought my alchemy experiments for us to play with!"

The scholar grinned mischievously at his companion. "You know, I've heard rumours about how dreadful the Guild's sex education is. So I suppose it's about time I taught you a thing or two…"

Tayend winked seductively, and pounced closer to the terrified magician.


	19. Happily Ever After

**Chapter 18:**

**Happily Ever After...  
**

Afterwards, Tayend flung himself on the ground in blissful exhaustion. Dannyl was still in shock over what had just happened. _It's no wonder the author cleverly chose not to describe the previous scene,_ he mused to himself.

The scholar shot the magician a sly look. "Did you enjoy that? I know I certainly did! I haven't had that much fun teaching a guy since – oh wait, I'm not supposed to talk about my numerous ex-lovers around you," Tayend blushed.

Dannyl smiled, as he recalled the enlightening sex lecture Tayend had just given him. Now that he knew the facts, he wouldn't be so scared of being intimate with Tayend when the right time came. He suddenly realised that it would be fun to make the readers think that he and Tayend had just had sex, instead of talking for the last hour.

"I definitely learned lots of new things!" Dannyl enthused, and then said in what he hoped was a provocative voice, "You really are very _skilled_, Tayend of Tremmelin."

His assistant giggled, and then suddenly felt a need to clarify something. "I hope you don't think I've been around a lot or anything… because I haven't!"

"Oh no, of course I didn't think that!" Dannyl lied automatically, as he thought this through. Obviously since Tayend lived in a library, he was more interested in books than men. And the magician remembered something else reassuring. "Aren't you in a chastity club?"

Tayend decided it would be best to keep up the chastity club pretence, at least until he and Dannyl started having sex, when it would be necessary for Tayend to show the magician everything the decadent Elyne court had taught him. But for now, he hastily changed the subject. "Seeing as you're a newly discovered lad, is there anything else you'd like to ask me?"

The Ambassador pondered. "How did you realise you were a lad?"

The Elyne sat back and grinned. "My sister told me. She predicted I was gay before I was even born. When I was five, she told me that I was a lad, and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I remember being really confused, and checking the word up in a dictionary." Tayend chuckled.

Dannyl was once again awed by Mayrie's almighty knowledge of everything. He made a mental note to himself to ask her to predict his future the next time he visited her. Tayend noted his friend's thoughtful expression, and said matter-of-factly, "Last week I got a letter from her predicting that you'd lose your virginity on this Armje trip. She bet twenty gold against Velend on it; he doesn't think you'll give it up for at least another two books."

Dannyl's eyes widened with shock and realisation. "That reminds me of what my horoscope told me yesterday: _You should_ _hurry up and sleep with your best friend; he's getting impatient. Not to mention your fangirls will leave you to support Akkarin if you stay a virgin for much longer. Remember: Slash pairings rule."_

"… By any chance are those horoscopes written by fangirls?"

"It was in an Elyne magazine…" Dannyl groaned. "So probably."

The scholar grinned. "Well, I already took the advice of _my_ horoscope." He pulled out over a dozen different coloured condoms from his bag. "What's your favourite colour?"

"Purple- no wait! We'll talk about that stuff later." The magician wasn't willing to get involved in any intimate activities until the chapter had ended.

"Good idea, we don't want the fangirls reading anything too sexy… that's best left to their imagination. And fanfiction." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, I don't know much about your past yet. Apart from the older novice and Fergun, have you ever encountered another man trying to seduce you before?"

Dannyl frowned, recalling his journey from Imardin to Capia. In particular, Jano's strange behaviour towards him. "Well, this sailor called Jano _did_ get really friendly with me… He was always following me around the ship, and he kept coming into my room unannounced. He once was waiting for me on my _bed _with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of siyo… But that doesn't mean anything!" Dannyl added hastily, seeing Tayend's outraged expression. "He told me it was a Vindo tradition to lie on other men's beds."

Tayend rolled his eyes. "Dannyl, you're the biggest idiot in the Allied Lands. If I catch you getting _friendly_ with any more sailors, I'll get you fired as Ambassador for neglecting your duties."

The magician chuckled. "It doesn't matter; Administrator Lorlen has already sent me dozens of angry letters demanding me to resign."

"I don't know how he finds the time." Tayend shook his head. "I would have thought 'providing his services' to the High Lord would be rather time consuming."

Dannyl smiled warmly at his companion. "I simply can't wait for us to return to Capia! We're going to have ever so much fun together."

Tayend raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you worried about other people finding out about us? You can't keep a secret from the Elynes. Hasn't this story taught you _anything_?"

"It'll be fine! We'll just assure everyone we're doing research, and not each other. Who wouldn't believe that?" Dannyl smiled confidently.

"Anyone who knows how little research we actually did so far; in a plotline that was supposed to be about us exploring ancient magic." Tayend tried to look solemn, but couldn't quite manage it.

"That's true… but no one wants to read about us exploring boring temples and magical sparkling caverns. They'd rather read about our mortifying misunderstandings and exhilarating sexual tension. But to be honest, I'm glad there won't be a sequel to this, because I've had enough adventure to last me forever," Dannyl declared firmly.

"Speaking of forever, I'm gonna be with you for that long!" Tayend patted the magician's arm possessively.

Dannyl wasn't sure if the possibility of spending his whole life with this flamboyant scholar excited or frightened him. He was sure he would soon find out.

**The End**

* * *

_**Author's Note: **__Please note that the events which Lady Trudi writes about in The Traitor Spy Trilogy are completely false, and the true fates of the characters will be revealed in my following __**Epilogue**__. _


	20. Epilogue Part 1

**Epilogue **

**(Part 1)**

_What happened _after_ The Novice Parody… _

**Lady Trudi: **It was discovered that Trudi had purposely cut out the love storyline between Dakon and Narvelan in her version of _The Magician's Apprentice. _When a copy of the original draft of the story was found, it was clear that Dakon and Narvelan were more than just friends. Lady Trudi was publically disgraced for the unjust omissions in her book, and was forced to include plenty of slash pairings in her future books.

**Velend and Fergun: **Tayend eventually took out a restraining order on Velend, so he couldn't come within half a mile of the scholar ever again. In his despair, Velend fled Elyne and stumbled upon the Fort on the Kyralian border. There he met the deliciously handsome Lord Fergun, whom he promptly fell head over heels in love with. Fergun returned Velend's feelings, and the pair spent many happy hours together sparring swords and gelling each other's hair.

**Jano: **The sailor was devastated when he found out that Dannyl was in a relationship with Tayend of Tremmelin. But he still remained good friends with Dannyl, and they became pen pals.

One day, Jano and his crew managed to defeat a pirate ship, and saved all the hostages onboard. One of these was a wealthy Sachakan landowner, called Achati. Jano fell in love with the young man, and they spent years travelling the sea together. They were the first lad couple to be legally married in Elyne.

**Errand and Bel Bella: **At one of Bella's birthday party (a year after her party in The Novice Parody) Dannyl desperately introduced the hostess to the First Ambassador, Errand. Dannyl did this purely to get Bella's attention off himself and onto another victim. But Bella still wanted to hook up with at least one magician in her life, so she had a one night stand with Errand.

The First Ambassador was dazzled by Bella, and hastily proposed marriage. Bella (who was well aware she was getting on in years, and couldn't be too picky) agreed to marry him; on the condition that she was entitled to have as many affairs as she liked during their married life.

**Dem Tremmelin: **Made his favourite illegitimate son his heir, and thus solved the family's inheritance problems. It turned out he did _not_ murder his wife; and he admitted she had run away to pursue her dream of becoming an actress.

Tremmelin eventually learned to accept his two deviant children, and gave his blessing for Tayend to continue being a lad, and Mayrie to carry on being a feminist.

**Dem Laddie: **Turned out NOT to be a lad, despite popular belief that he was. But the rumours about him owning the only surviving original draft of _The Magician's Apprentice_ turned out to be true – the version Lady Trudi tried to erase all traces of.

Laddie also devised the Dewey Decimal System – an ingenious new way of classifying books in a library. However, it took many years after his death before his cataloguing methods became popular in the Allied Lands.

Just before his death, Laddie discovered that Tayend of Tremmelin was his grandson. Laddie's son Shaggy had had an affair with Tayend's mother years ago, and had always known that he was the real father of Tayend. But Shaggy didn't want anything to do with his son. However, Laddie took pity on his grandson, and left him his castle in his will.

**Akkarin and Lorlen: **Their secret love affair was discovered by the Guild, who believed that gay relationships were even more evil than learning Black Magic. The former High Lord and Administrator were banished to Sachaka in disgrace.

Luckily the couple decided to return to Kyralia soon after, when the country was invaded by wicked Ichani (who were trying to find pretty magicians to keep as pets). Akkarin and Lorlen helped the Guild defeat the Ichani, and were immediately forgiven for their perverse tendencies and welcomed back into the Guild.

**Sonea: **Was so distraught when Akkarin dumped her; she spitefully married Lord Osen instead. A day after the wedding she regretted her rash decision, but divorce was illegal in Kyralia. However that didn't matter to Black Magician Sonea; and after threatening to blow up the Guild she was granted a divorce. After that, Sonea realised she was far happier without the complications of men in her life, and she focussed on setting up hospitals for the poor all over Kyralia.

Sonea and Osen (who didn't know how to use contraception on their wedding night) had a daughter together called Osea. She was extremely rebellious, and grew up to be a Warrior and a lass (female equivalent of a lad).

**Lorkin**: Never existed.

**Dorrien: **Found a golden reber one day while walking around a forest. He kept it as his pet, and sold off the golden wool every year to make a fortune. He later married the reber, in a civil ceremony in Elyne.

**Rothen: **Continued drinking his nemmin, absolutely oblivious to the fact that nemmin does not just lower sex drive, it also induces forgetfulness.

He almost died of horror when Dannyl told him he was gay, and dating a sexy Elyne scholar. Luckily he just kept taking his nemmin, and forgot the whole incident.

**Mayrie: **Became the first female politician in Elyne. She managed to make gay marriage legal, and worked tirelessly to secure more rights for women.

Eventually Mayrie tried to make an effort with her marriage, and found out she and Orrend had more in common that she had expected. She soon didn't mind sleeping with him once a week. However, she still occasionally locked him up in the attic when she was angry. She and Orrend lived happily on their vineyard, raising their ten cats and producing the most expensive wines and poisons in the Allied Lands.

_Dannyl and Tayend's futures will be revealed in the __**Epilogue Part 2! **_


	21. Epilogue Part 2

**Epilogue **

**(Part 2)**

**Lord Dannyl: **

Dannyl was fired as the Elyne Ambassador by Lorlen (for neglecting his ambassadorial duties). The magician lived in the Great Library with Tayend for some time afterwards. By the time a year passed, they got sick of the dusty old building, and so they moved into Dem Laddie's castle after his death (who had conveniently willed out the castle to them before he died, after finding out that Tayend was his grandson).

Dannyl rarely visited Kyralia, because he couldn't bear the overly conservativeness and homophobia any longer. Whenever he _did_ visit the Guild with Tayend, he would make the scholar dress up in red Warrior robes and pretend to be a magician, so that no one would be suspicious. But for some reason, gangs of slash-obsessed novice girls _still_ chased after them.

The magician still loved experimenting, and he eventually invented the Philosopher's Stone. From this he concocted the Elixir of Life, and made himself and Tayend immortal. He also invented bubble bath, which greatly enhanced his bath-time antics with Tayend.

The scholar successfully managed to help Dannyl accept being a lad. This was achieved after hours upon hours of shopping, drinking wine, and watching shirtless acrobats together.

Dannyl and Tayend finally got round to doing some research together. They wrote several bestselling books including, _Tayend's Ultimate Guide to Seduction_, _Lord_ _Dannyl's Guide to Sex Slang_, and _101 Ways to Successfully Start a Rumour_.

**Tayend of Tremmelin: **

Bel Bella was kind enough to give Tayend a five year modelling contract for her weekly magazine, Bella's Beauties. He quit after six months, because the fangirls kept sending him disturbing fanfiction. However, he still worked part time as a Capia Catwalk model, and this provided ample income to provide for himself and Dannyl.

Before moving out of the Great Library, the scholar discovered that some of the most boring books turned out to be the most valuable. He sneakily stole some of these books, and sold them to pay for his hair insurance.

The Elyne still regularly attended dubious parties, despite Dannyl's concerns. But the scholar learned to control his alcohol addiction after Dannyl forced him to spend a few weeks in a rehab centre in Imardin. Incidentally, Tayend's stay there allowed him time to reflect on the prevalence of alcohol-related issues in Elyne society. This inspired him when he took part in the competition to design a new royal symbol for the Elyne court. Everyone was sick of the old symbol, a fish jumping over a bunch of grapes. Queen Gaga and all the courtiers agreed that Tayend's new design was a much more suitable reflection of Elyne culture – a fish stuck in a wine bottle.

Tayend won the competition, and his prize was a lifetime's supply of Vindo acrobats – who helped to keep him entertained whenever Dannyl was busy or away. The acrobats worshipped Tayend, and called him King Tay. He also used them to guard his and Dannyl's castle from crazy fangirls.

The scholar's beauty was well renowned in Elyne, and he won various grand awards. Most notably, he has been winning the Rear of the Year competition for the last few years, and he has no intention of letting anyone else take his place. He sometimes loses out on the Sexiest Legs of the Year award, but that's usually because Dannyl wins it instead (the judges evidently prefer long legged men).

Tayend founded _The Closet Club,_ where lads met up to gossip about fashion, men, and other lad topics. Dannyl initially had reservations about Tayend's new friends. But after he joined in with their parties, he found that he quite enjoyed having some frivolous fun with men who accepted who he was. And anyway, in Dannyl's opinion, he had done enough real work to last him a life time.

**The End**

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading my parody everyone - I really appreciate ****every**** single review and I hope you all enjoyed the ride as much as I did! I started scribbling this parody down almost two years ago, and I still can't believe I've finally finished posting it, and more importantly how generous everyone has been with their feedback and support.**

**Unfortunately I'm not sensible enough to kick the habit and give up parody writing, many of you already know I've started to inflict **_**The Complete Novice Spoof**_** on the world of fanfiction, and I've got ideas for a loose sequel to the Novice Parody, which deals with Tayend's "Closet Club" meetings with his friends. So you have been warned in advanced… ;D**


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